The Art of Receiving Feedback Gracefully, Even When It’s Hard to Hear
Why Feedback Matters—Even When It Stings
Feedback is one of the most powerful engines for both personal and professional growth. Yet when it’s hard-hitting or unexpected, many of us default to defensiveness. The truth is, what challenges us often teaches us the most. As a leadership coach at Loeb Leadership, I’ve watched many leaders struggle with receiving—not giving—feedback, especially when it challenges deeply held behaviors. Embracing feedback is a hallmark of true growth.
The Neuroscience of Feedback Resistance
Our brains are wired to perceive criticism as a threat. Research from the NeuroLeadership Institute shows that feedback—especially when unsolicited—can trigger a “fight-or-flight” response, shutting down logical thinking. If you catch yourself shutting down, justifying, or reacting emotionally, your amygdala may have hijacked the moment—a phenomenon psychologists call an “amygdala hijack.”
To regain control:
Pause.
Breathe.
Name your emotion silently.
As Harvard Business Review explains, simply naming your feeling—like “I’m feeling defensive”—helps your prefrontal cortex re-engage and calm the emotional surge.
5 Strategies for Receiving Feedback Gracefully
1. Listen Beyond the Words
When receiving feedback, our first instinct is often to mentally prepare a rebuttal or explanation. But real listening requires setting aside ego and staying fully present. This means giving your full attention to the speaker—not just hearing the words but also noticing their tone, body language, and emotional intent.
Ask yourself:
What is the core message here?
Is there a pattern or deeper need being revealed?
Leadership in action: A director receives feedback that their communication style is “too direct.” Instead of dismissing it, they ask for examples and learn that junior staff often feel shut down. By reframing how they deliver feedback themselves, the director improves team dynamics without diluting accountability.
Try this: Practice active listening by reflecting back what you’ve heard: “So what I’m hearing is that when I respond quickly without asking questions, it feels like I’m not open to your ideas—is that right?”
2. Regulate Your Emotions
Feedback, especially when unexpected, can spark defensiveness, embarrassment, or even shame. This is natural—and neurobiologically rooted. When your emotional brain (the amygdala) hijacks your thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex), you may find yourself shutting down or lashing out.
To interrupt this reaction:
Breathe slowly and deeply.
Count to ten before responding.
Label the emotion internally: “I’m feeling caught off guard.”
These micro-practices restore your ability to think clearly and respond constructively.
Leadership in action: A VP receives board-level criticism in a meeting and feels blindsided. Rather than reacting in real-time, they take notes, ask for time to reflect, and follow up later with thoughtful questions. This response builds credibility rather than defensiveness.
Try this: Schedule a “cooling-off” period. If you’re feeling emotionally activated, say: “I really appreciate this input. Can I take some time to process it and follow up with you tomorrow?”
3. Separate Intent from Impact
One of the biggest derailers in feedback conversations is assuming intent. Just because someone’s message hits a nerve doesn’t mean they meant to harm or belittle you. Conversely, just because your intentions were good doesn’t mean the impact landed well.
A growth-minded leader accepts that both can be true: “My goal was to support you, but it didn’t come across that way.”
Leadership in action: A team lead is told they micromanage. They initially feel attacked but then realize their intent to “support and reduce risk” was experienced as disempowering. They shift from daily check-ins to weekly coaching-style conversations.
Try this: Respond with curiosity: “I want to better understand how this came across. Can you share how it impacted you or the team?”
4. Say Thank You (Even If You Don’t Agree)
Gratitude is a leadership superpower, especially in moments of vulnerability. By thanking someone for their feedback—even if it’s uncomfortable or not immediately actionable—you create a safe and respectful culture. It signals that you value honesty over harmony.
Leadership in action: A CEO is told that their all-hands meetings feel “scripted and corporate.” Internally, they disagree, but instead of brushing it off, they thank the employee, ask for suggestions, and co-create a more engaging format.
Try this: Use a simple acknowledgment phrase: “I really appreciate you sharing this—it’s not always easy to speak up.”
Bonus: Expressing gratitude also helps calm your nervous system and primes your brain for openness, according to research on feedback and psychological safety.
5. Reflect and Choose Your Response
The final—and perhaps most important—step is reflection. Not all feedback will resonate. Some may be poorly timed, clumsily delivered, or just plain inaccurate. That’s okay. Your job isn’t to accept everything blindly—it’s to discern wisely.
Set aside time to reflect:
What part of this rings true?
How might this feedback align with other signals I’ve received?
Is there one thing I can try or shift—even as an experiment?
Leadership in action: After receiving anonymous feedback that their leadership style feels “intense,” a senior manager reviews their 360 data, connects the dots, and works with a coach to increase self-awareness around emotional tone and presence.
Try this: Keep a “feedback journal.” Track feedback over time and note what you’ve learned, tested, or changed. This builds a personal roadmap of growth—and demonstrates your coachability over time.
What Receiving Feedback Says About Your Leadership
Your openness to tough feedback sends clear messages:
“I’m not perfect.”
“I’m committed to growing.”
“I value bold, respectful challenges.”
This cultivates psychological safety—teams where people feel safe to speak up—and is a key driver of innovation and resilience. Amy Edmondson’s work confirms this correlation. And, as the 2023 State of Organizations report suggests, adaptability and learning agility—core to feedback receptiveness—are among the most sought-after executive traits.
Start With Yourself
If you want a feedback-rich culture, model it:
Pause when you receive tough feedback.
Regulate your emotional response.
Thank the giver.
Reflect, act, and share what you learned.
You’ll inspire others to follow—creating faster problem-solving, courageous conversations, and deeper collaboration. Our leadership coaching programs are designed to strengthen self-awareness, emotional resilience, and feedback agility.
Need help creating a culture of feedback? Our Executive Coaching engagements help leaders build the skills and confidence needed to give and receive feedback that drives engagement, accountability, and growth.
Follow David Sarnoff on LinkedIn for more insights on giving and receiving feedback, EQ, setting boundaries at work, mentorship & allyship, and more.